…From Butler, Pennsylvania, weighing 294 pounds, “The Way Less Than a Million Dollar Man” Cory McVicker. At the behest of a few dear friends of mine, I am going to make an attempt at a weekly recap of ‘Monday Night Raw’ and occasionally offer other thoughts on the WWE. Bare with me as I get my footing. But i assure you this will at least be a better debut than the fucking Gobbledy Gooker.
‘Raw’ was emanating live from Orlando tonight. This is the last episode before Sunday’s new PPV, Fastlane, emphasizing the fact we are on ‘the road to WrestleMania’. The night started off with a dark match featuring Mickey and Minnie Mouse vs. Ariel and Sebastian in mixed-tag action.
Now, once the live portion of the show begins we are greeted by John Cena, who gives basically the same fucking rally speech he always gives after getting his ass kicked the previous week. He’s been doing it since I started watching again almost a decade ago. Talks about his passion and how he won’t back down. How much he loves it when half the fans boo him and the other half cheer him. Rusev and Lana interrupt. Get blasted by U-S-A chants. Cena and Rusev confront each other and Cena beats him down. This will allow all the little kiddies to believe Cena can beat the big, bad Russian for the U.S. title on Sunday. My belief is Cena wins, but via DQ.
Next, we see Dean Ambrose doing his take on Bad News Barrett’s ‘Bad News Zone’. Ambrose says he plans on presenting BNB with a contract for a match at Fastlane for the IC title. He then has a match with former IC champ and, current Saxony Estates resident, Luke Harper. Ambrose scores the victory after his signature finisher, Dirty Deeds.
After the commercial break, we see Triple H having to stop Big Show and Kane from bickering, get a creepy message from Bray Wyatt, and see Dusty Rhodes in the locker room trying to patch things up between Gold and Stardust and advising them on the best strategy for attacking a buffet.
The Dust Brothers dropped a match to The New Day, with miscommunication leading to Goldust being hit with a Trouble in Paradise by Kofi Kingston. Stardust initially helps his dazed brother, then turns on him. Personally, I have been waiting for the Rhodes boys to go at since the WWE teased it at the Royal Rumble…last year. Hopefully they give these two a chance at a mid-card match at WM and not burn it off on Raw.
Roman Reigns gives a backstage interview in which he says he would have taken it like a man if he got eliminated from Rumble, unlike Daniel Bryan and that he gave Bryan the opportunity to move onto WM if he wins Sunday and he will take it away. Bryan provides commentary during Roman’s match against Kane and angers Reigns by getting a ‘Yes!’ chant going. Reigns wins via count-out. Anybody at home watching on their DVR with the ability to fast-forward through this match also wins.
My man Seth Rollins comes out and says his main concern is cashing in the Money in the Bank contract and not wasting time with Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and Eric Rowan. Bibi Jones’ former fuck-toy Ziggler runs his mouth before the match starts. Solid match saw J & J Security come back to save Rollins from a presumed loss after being ejected from ringside.
Oh, I forgot before that, the Bella twins stole Paige’s gear. If only she had to wrestle naked. She beat Summer Rae when she blinded her with her pale skin.
Woooooooooooo!!!!!! Ric Flair comes down to warn Triple H not to take Sting lightly. I liked this interaction, although Flair seemed a little lost at times. But if they were gonna bring a former nemesis of Sting’s in for this, I would have rather it be Vader. Triple H ended up pushing Natch. No word on whether authorities are considering pursuing abuse of the elderly charges against him.
Darren Young returns with some jabroni to face The Ascension. Match never starts. Titus O’Neil comes down to make the save, setting up a likely Prime Time Players reunion, which I won’t mind. And to answer some fan mail, people hate The Ascension because they are a Road Warriors/Demolition/Powers of Pain/Headbangers (yes I went there) rip-off.
The Miz tries to strike a deal with BNB where if he knocks Mizdow down a peg or two, he would help protect him from Ambrose. During the match, Miz makes Mizdow stop to shine his shoe, wipe his ass and clean a non-existent spot on his sunglasses. This last distraction costs Mizdow the match. Ambrose appears and Miz hightails it. He attacks BNB and uses a zip-tie to restrain him. Then takes his hand and forces him to sign the contract for the match at Fastlane. I am looking forward to this one. Not sure how it will pan out, but it pits two of my four favorite guys in the WWE against each other.
In a husbands and wives match, Jimmy Uso and his old lady beat Tyson Kidd and the daughter of ‘The Anvil’. Kidd blamed Natalya for the loss, although it was Kidd’s fault. It was announced Kidd and his partner Cesaro will face The Usos for the tag belts Sunday. I have nothing against The Usos, but am kinda burned out on them being champs the majority of the last calendar year, so I hope they drop them, but it’s not likely.
Wyatt appears for a third time with a message calling somebody out. It appears as if the rumors of him facing The Undertaker at WM might be coming true. He also said something about there being a bunch of tax cheats in Orlando.
Main event time. Bryan vs. Big Show. Reigns at ringside and interacting with fans to distract Bryan. When the action spills outside, Bryan avoids a spear by Show with Reigns catching it. This leads to Reigns interfering in the match and costing Bryan a victory. The two take part in a brutal brawl, which was the highlight of the night. I highly doubt the WWE will change course and allow Bryan to get the win Sunday and the well-deserved match against Brock Lesnar at WM, but at least they built up some major heat going into it.