Currently in the Ring….

…From Butler, Pennsylvania, weighing 294 pounds, “The Way Less Than a Million Dollar Man” Cory McVicker.    At the behest of a few dear friends of mine, I am going to make an attempt at a weekly recap of ‘Monday Night Raw’ and occasionally offer other thoughts on the WWE. Bare with me as I get my footing. But i assure you this will at least be a better debut than the fucking Gobbledy Gooker.

‘Raw’ was emanating live from Orlando tonight. This is the last episode before Sunday’s new PPV, Fastlane, emphasizing the fact we are on ‘the road to WrestleMania’. The night started off with a dark match featuring Mickey and Minnie Mouse vs. Ariel and Sebastian in mixed-tag action.

Now, once the live portion of the show begins we are greeted by John Cena, who gives basically the same fucking rally speech he always gives after getting his ass kicked the previous week.  He’s been doing it since I started watching again almost a decade ago. Talks about his passion and how he won’t back down. How much he loves it when half the fans boo him and the other half cheer him. Rusev and Lana interrupt. Get blasted by U-S-A chants. Cena and Rusev confront each other and Cena beats him down. This will allow all the little kiddies to believe Cena can beat the big, bad Russian for the U.S. title on Sunday. My belief is Cena wins, but via DQ.

Next, we see Dean Ambrose doing his take on Bad News Barrett’s ‘Bad News Zone’. Ambrose says he plans on presenting BNB with a contract for a match at Fastlane for the IC title. He then has a match with former IC champ and, current Saxony Estates resident, Luke Harper. Ambrose scores the victory after his signature finisher, Dirty Deeds.

After the commercial break, we see Triple H having to stop Big Show and Kane from bickering, get a creepy message from Bray Wyatt, and see Dusty Rhodes in the locker room trying to patch things up between Gold and Stardust and advising them on the best strategy for attacking a buffet.

The Dust Brothers dropped a match to The New Day, with miscommunication leading to Goldust being hit with a Trouble in Paradise by Kofi Kingston. Stardust initially helps his dazed brother, then turns on him. Personally, I have been waiting for the Rhodes boys to go at since the WWE teased it at the Royal Rumble…last year. Hopefully they give these two a chance at a mid-card match at WM and not burn it off on Raw.

 

Roman Reigns gives a backstage interview in which he says he would have taken it like a man if he got eliminated from Rumble, unlike Daniel Bryan and that he gave Bryan the opportunity to move onto WM if he wins Sunday and he will take it away. Bryan provides commentary during Roman’s match against Kane and angers Reigns by getting a ‘Yes!’ chant going. Reigns wins via count-out. Anybody at home watching on their DVR with the ability to fast-forward through this match also wins.

My man Seth Rollins comes out and says his main concern is cashing in the Money in the Bank contract and not wasting time with Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and Eric Rowan.  Bibi Jones’ former fuck-toy Ziggler runs his mouth before the match starts. Solid match saw J & J Security come back to save Rollins from a presumed loss after being ejected from ringside.

Oh, I forgot before that, the Bella twins stole Paige’s gear. If only she had to wrestle naked.  She beat Summer Rae when she blinded her with her pale skin.

Woooooooooooo!!!!!! Ric Flair comes down to warn Triple H not to take Sting lightly. I liked this interaction, although Flair seemed a little lost at times. But if they were gonna bring a former nemesis of Sting’s in for this, I would have rather it be Vader. Triple H ended up pushing Natch. No word on whether authorities are considering pursuing abuse of the elderly charges against him.

Darren Young returns with some jabroni to face The Ascension.  Match never starts. Titus O’Neil comes down to make the save, setting up a likely Prime Time Players reunion, which I won’t mind. And to answer some fan mail, people hate The Ascension because they are a Road Warriors/Demolition/Powers of Pain/Headbangers (yes I went there) rip-off.

The Miz tries to strike a deal with BNB where if he knocks Mizdow down a peg or two, he would help protect him from Ambrose.  During the match, Miz makes Mizdow stop to shine his shoe, wipe his ass and clean a non-existent spot on his sunglasses. This last distraction costs Mizdow the match. Ambrose appears and Miz hightails it. He attacks BNB and uses a zip-tie to restrain him. Then takes his hand and forces him to sign the contract for the match at Fastlane. I am looking forward to this one. Not sure how it will pan out, but it pits two of my four favorite guys in the WWE against each other.

In a husbands and wives match, Jimmy Uso and his old lady beat Tyson Kidd and the daughter of ‘The Anvil’. Kidd blamed Natalya for the loss,  although it was Kidd’s fault. It was announced Kidd and his partner Cesaro will face The Usos for the tag belts Sunday. I have nothing against The Usos, but am kinda burned out on them being champs the majority of the last calendar year, so I hope they drop them,  but it’s not likely.

Wyatt appears for a third time with a message calling somebody out. It appears as if the rumors of him facing The Undertaker at WM might be coming true. He also said something about there being a bunch of tax cheats in Orlando.

Main event time. Bryan vs. Big Show. Reigns at ringside and interacting with fans to distract Bryan. When the action spills outside, Bryan avoids a spear by Show with Reigns catching it. This leads to Reigns interfering in the match and costing Bryan a victory.  The two take part in a brutal brawl, which was the highlight of the night. I highly doubt the WWE will change course and allow Bryan to get the win Sunday and the well-deserved match against Brock Lesnar at WM, but at least they built up some major heat going into it.

 

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I Give Love a Bad Name

So, this weekend is the tired and clichéd holiday of Valentine’s Day, named of course after WWE Hall of Famer, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. I believe tradition calls for giving your significant other candy and flowers, then putting her in a figure-four leglock. Now, the only thing as tired and clichéd as this holiday is a fat, single loser talking how tired and clichéd Valentine’s Day is. Well, I run this joint, so you’re gonna have to deal with it. Besides love is in the air, or maybe that’s just the measles. Either way, I am infected with romantic thoughts and feelings.

As a result,  I have decided to write a little diddy. It is set to the tune of  ‘L-O-V-E’ by Nat King Cole. And just imagine it being sung in the style of Jason Niedzielski doing karaoke at the Clubhouse, circa 2005. On a side note, get well soon Jay!!

L is for the loads of time and money I save

O is for the only person I have to satisfy is me

V is for the very, very desperate women I’ll be at the bar seeking

E is for the enormous amount of rejection I’ll be facing

Love is mostly just a big ‘fuck you’

I’d much rather have an ice cold brew

They say two in love can make it

But when I’m alone, I never have to fake it

Hey, Love, I simply say ‘fuck you’

In all seriousness,  I know most of you reading this are married or in a committed relationship and surely have something semi-romantic planned, as well you should. Have fun, be safe, and make sure your woman knows how much you love and respect her. And if Cupid’s arrow hasn’t found you, may you at least find a receptive hole this weekend. I hear there is a gloryhole somewhere in the North Hills. I’m grabbing Nic Cage and going on a ‘National Treasure’-esque adventure to find it. “How am I not in that booty?!”

Hope my second offering was more ‘The Godfather Part II’ and not ‘Caddyshack II’. I promise no more holiday talk until Arbor Day. And if this blog ever wins an award, I swear I’ll give it to Beyoncé. So, back the fuck off Kanye!!

Royal Rip-Off

Ok, there has been much clamoring from my fanbase to post something. So, I have decided to ejaculate some genius here.  Provide sort of an enlightenment facial. I mean, I hate to disappoint my fans.

Speaking of disappointing fans. Let’s talk about what the WWE did this past Sunday at the Royal Rumble,  which has long been my favorite PPV on the calendar.  After botching the result last year, much to the dismay of the vast majority of fans over the age of 10, the belief was that the returning Daniel Bryan, the most over wrestler on the roster, would be victorious. However, in about as anti-climatic a way as possible,  Bryan was eliminated about half way through the match and after only roughly 10 minutes in the ring. The audience in Philly, seeing the writing on the wall,  turned on the presumed winner, and the WWE’s handpicked next star, Roman Reigns. Even a returning Rock couldn’t get the fans on his side after the match.

Now, despite the outcry of the masses, the WWE knows they can pull this type of stunt, or do whatever the fuck else they want to, and us dopes will still fire 55 bucks, or $9.99 if you have the WWE Network,  to get the next PPV, or tune in to watch ‘Raw’ and ‘SmackDown’. And why is that?

It’s because there is no viable competition. If you want your professional wrestling fix,  it is either gobble up the shit that WWE feeds us a fair amount of the time, or turn to TNA, which just started it’s run on a new network,  Destination America. I thought that they only showed people shoving fucking BBQ in their face on that network, but guess I was wrong. And, personally,  I’d rather drive to downtown Butler and pay 2 bums 20 dollars and watch them go at it, than watch TNA.

So, here is my plea to any billionaire who is reading this. Please pull a Ted Turner and throw your money at a federation that could be legit competition. That is the only way WWE will be forced to get better. It worked once in the mid 90’s. At the time the NWO was the hottest thing in professional wrestling. WCW was constantly beating the then WWF in the ratings. This forced Vince McMahon to ditch the phony and lame fucking gimmicks his company was trying to sell and amp up the violence and sex and profanity,  in order to win back fans. And it worked. Allowing Steve Austin to become Stone Cold instead of The Ringmaster or Rocky Maivia to be born again as simply The Rock. McMahon even embraced this change by dumping his babyface announcer persona and becoming the enemy of Austin, in one of the best storylines in wrestling history. Fans were able to vicariously tell their boss, or other authority figures in their life, to ‘fuck off’.

It was an era of wrestling that is gone, and sadly, will never be seen again in all likelihood. The WWE basically has a monopoly on the professional wrestling industry. And unless somebody with the passion and resources of a Ted Turner steps up, it will remain that way.

Hope everyone enjoyed this. I’ll try to get another one out there soon. Or just become a one-hit wonder like OMC. Imagine a talented writer, who doesn’t realize he’s talented and refuses to share said talent with others…how bizzare?

 

[Editor’s Note:  This was posted by bdmcvick84 on 1/29/15]

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