…Because the second time around is always better than the first, right? Well I’m out to prove that is certainly not the case here. So, for those looking for it, or those who typed ‘Raw’ into a search engine trying to find sushi reviews or bareback-only porn and ended up here, enjoy!
Twas the night after the inaugural PPV Fastlane and ‘Raw’ is coming at ya from Nashville, TN. The dark match for the night was a steel cage battle between Kix Brooks and Ronnie Dunn. A better name for Brooks would have ‘Punches and Kix’ Brooks because he dominated that motherfucker.
Randy Orton, who made his return at the PPV last night, comes down and addresses the fact Seth Rollins is responsible for his 4-month absence from the ring (in actuality he was filming ‘The Marine 24′ opposite Alan Rickman’ s stunt double from ‘Die Hard’) and calls him down to the ring. Instead he is met by Triple H and the rest of The Authority minus Rollins. Stephanie McMahon convinces Orton to attend a business conference in attempts to get him to rejoin The Authority.
BNB is in a bad mood because Dean Ambrose stole his IC title after their match at Fastlane. His mood didn’t improve after suffering a loss to Dolph Ziggler in a non-title match and then having Ambrose appear with his title to mock him. Ambrose and Ziggler have some words and Ambrose bumps him on the way out of the ring. R-Truth was at ringside providing inarticulate commentary and campaigning to be the No. 1 contender because of his non-title victory over BNB on SmackDown. I smell a Fatal Four Way match coming at Mania.
Backstage, Orton begrudgingly decides to rejoin The Authority after Steph makes the case for it. She announces he and Rollins will be in a tag match against Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns later on. You can tell there is still animosity between Orton and Rollins and that it will come to a head by night’s end.
The Ascension were handed their first defeat by the reunited Prime Time Players. It was karma for talking shit on the latest WWE Hall of Fame inductees, The Bushwhackers, in a video shown before the match. The Ascension beat down PTP after the match though. I find it funny that one half of PTP, Darren Young, is the only openly gay wrestler on the roster, yet The Ascension are dressed like extras in a gay porn version of ‘Mad Max’.
Reigns is in the ring talking about how he proved himself last night. Bryan comes down and says that he doubted him more than the fans did, but not after their match at Fastlane. Reigns showed him that he has the heart necessary to be successful and told him to go kick the crap out of Lesnar at WrestleMania. As Bryan is heading back, Lesnar’s advocate Paul Heyman makes his way down. Says he would put his money on Reigns against a whole slew of legends in their heyday. Whether it be Bruno, Hulk, Austin, etc., but he wouldn’t put his money on Reigns against Lesnar. Reigns says he can’t wait to beat Lesnar at WM.
The Usos evoked their rematch clause for the tag belts against Tyson Kidd and Cesaro. After Naomi got involved, so did Natalya, ultimately leading to a DQ victory for the Usos. I’m sure some kind of 6-person mixed tag match is in the future. I ‘d say add Rikishi and The Anvil and I’m in.
In a backstage segment, The Miz criticizes Mizdow for not properly lint rolling his jacket. I believe Buzz wrote that segment. The Miz then says he plans on winning the 2nd Annual Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at WM in order to become an even bigger star.
Bray Wyatt cuts promo calling out The Undertaker for his loss at WM last year. He was speaking into a casket. Could mean their match will be a casket match. I think the last time Taker had a casket match at Mania was against Mark Henry. He won when Henry tried to eat the casket because he believed it was made out of chocolate.
Stardust took on Jack Swagger. Stardust gets frustrated with chants of ‘Cody’ from the crowd and is then distracted when Goldust emerges from the back. This allowed Swagger to put a Patriot Lock on him and score a submission victory.
Cena comes down to adress his loss to Ruse…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Lana and Rusev come down. Cena spouts a bunch of pro-USA…ZZZZZZZZZZZ. Challenges Rusev to another match for U.S. title at WM. Rusev says he doesn’t deserve it. 8-year olds everywhere are crushed.
Orton and Rollins give the impression they are on the same page. Orton wants to show how Bryan and Reigns how lucky they were he wasn’t in the Rumble. The Bellas beat Paige and Emma in a match that was quicker than the amount of time it would take me to get off if I had a threesome with the Bellas.
Bushwhackers tribute video is shown. I saw those guys wrestle one time at Butler High School. Now, it’s hard to belive they are going into the HOF. Hopefully whatever high school they are janitors at now give them the weekend off to go to the ceremony.
Curtis Axel is once again out there claiming he was never eliminated from the Rumble. #Axelmania. Says he is entering the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. They could dig up his old man’s corpse and he would have more charisma than his son. Former tag partner Ryback comes down and announces his intentions to win the battle royal. And then beats the shit out of him in a fairly quick match. #Feedmeless
Bryan and Reigns defeat Orton and Rollins. Orton gets angry when Rollins tags himself into the match. Big Show and Kane try to calm him down. Orton then goes to confront him in the ring. J &J Security come in. Jamie Noble suffers an RKO. Orton helps Rollins to his feet, then leaves the ring. So, guess the explosion will have to come at another time. I mean I think it’s pretty obvious it will be those two in a match at Mania