Category Archives: Rant

Armstrong-hold

Third time’s the charm…well not with this blog. So, if you are looking for something brilliant, start streaming the recently ended ‘Parks and Recreation’ on whatever service offers it. If you want something totally pedestrian you are in the right place. Speaking of streaming services, I am in the vast minority of people that doesn’t use one. I rely on a good ol’ cable television provider. Shows how much of a fucking idiot I am.

Really? This dude’s gonna complain about cable TV? Lazy fucker. Why doesn’t he ask what’s the deal with airline food or complain that if our planet is experiencing global warming why did I spend the better part of the last month defrosting my dick and balls. I know bitching about cable is nothing new. I’ve been involved in conversations about its overall shittiness with some of the people who will read this post. But, hey I’m like McDonald’s. Quick, cheap, convenient, and bad for you. I don’t offer anything fresh like some hipster joint thst serves only beef from grass-fed cows who were manually masturbated while listening to Mozart. And then show you a video of their meat guy, Glen, doing said procedure before you eat the burger.

I recently received a letter from Armstrong Cable explaining that soon the rates for cable and internet service would be going up, as well as premium services like HBO. In the letter, you are given some weak explanation about the rising cost of carrying certain channels and local sports and blah blah blah. I know on some level this is true, but I also know this is their way of saying we are pushing another inch in.

And what are your options? You basically have none, other than going to a satellite service. This scares me because I think every time a leaf falls on the dish or the wind blows, you lose signal. I don’t want that to happen during a crucial moment in a game I’m watching or just before the money shot in the porn I ordered off of Penthouse TV. There is no direct competition from another cable company in the area. Maybe Armstrong would be better, maybe worse. We’ll never know because cable companies monopolize the area they staked their claim to. It’s really absurd when you think about it.

Imagine it were that way with, say, electricians in your area. You only had once choice…and it was me. (Just picture this as a commercial for my company.) “Your wife is hosting a dinner party for the boss at her important new job tonight. But, oh no!! The power has gone out. As man of the house, you need to fix it but you have to get 18 in with the guys before this boring dinner. What do you do to save the day and make your wife happy again? Call McVicker Electric Company right now at 724-IND-POWR. Hold on though. It’s Saturday afternoon and my office hours are only noon-3 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Don’t worry! I have an emergency line. And it will only cost you 3 times my normal $300 consultation fee (my shoddy and unprofessional work definitely NOT included). And if you don’t like it, call the other electricians in town. Oh, wait there aren’t any. Good. So fuck you and don’t forget to call me, Cory McVicker, and mention this ad for 20% off. Haha. I’m just kidding, so blow me. McVicker Electric Company…Making Sure You Only Get the Good Type of Shocker Since 2002.

Finally somebody has exposed the evil of cable companies and it was a long time coming. I’m like the Rosa Parks of sitting in a recliner and watching too much tv. And hey, Armstrong, if you’re gonna jack prices up at least offer us channels we may be interested in. I mean, seriously, who the fuck watches Maverick Television?

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