So, this weekend is the tired and clichéd holiday of Valentine’s Day, named of course after WWE Hall of Famer, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. I believe tradition calls for giving your significant other candy and flowers, then putting her in a figure-four leglock. Now, the only thing as tired and clichéd as this holiday is a fat, single loser talking how tired and clichéd Valentine’s Day is. Well, I run this joint, so you’re gonna have to deal with it. Besides love is in the air, or maybe that’s just the measles. Either way, I am infected with romantic thoughts and feelings.
As a result, I have decided to write a little diddy. It is set to the tune of ‘L-O-V-E’ by Nat King Cole. And just imagine it being sung in the style of Jason Niedzielski doing karaoke at the Clubhouse, circa 2005. On a side note, get well soon Jay!!
L is for the loads of time and money I save
O is for the only person I have to satisfy is me
V is for the very, very desperate women I’ll be at the bar seeking
E is for the enormous amount of rejection I’ll be facing
Love is mostly just a big ‘fuck you’
I’d much rather have an ice cold brew
They say two in love can make it
But when I’m alone, I never have to fake it
Hey, Love, I simply say ‘fuck you’
In all seriousness, I know most of you reading this are married or in a committed relationship and surely have something semi-romantic planned, as well you should. Have fun, be safe, and make sure your woman knows how much you love and respect her. And if Cupid’s arrow hasn’t found you, may you at least find a receptive hole this weekend. I hear there is a gloryhole somewhere in the North Hills. I’m grabbing Nic Cage and going on a ‘National Treasure’-esque adventure to find it. “How am I not in that booty?!”
Hope my second offering was more ‘The Godfather Part II’ and not ‘Caddyshack II’. I promise no more holiday talk until Arbor Day. And if this blog ever wins an award, I swear I’ll give it to Beyoncé. So, back the fuck off Kanye!!