Put Me in Coach I’m Ready to Play

With the baseball season officially underway and our beloved Buccos starting about 12 hours from now, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to spew a bunch of predictions at ya. Plus, it will allow me to focus on something positive in the Pittsburgh sports scene. So, no particular setup to this, but I’ll offer some thoughts on the Pirates roster first.

Outfield: Starling Marte is poised to have a breakout, All-Star-caliber year. Gregory Polanco had his struggles last year and hopefully can move forward. Because if he flops and needs more time in the minors,  the options to replace him aren’t the most appealing. Sure Corey Hart could regain his old form, or Andrew Lambo figures out big-league pitching, or Jose Tabata shows he gives a shit at Indy. Hell, maybe Bobby Bo comes back and takes it over. But none of those are sure things. Oh, and there’s this guy named Andrew MacClinton or something like that in center. I heard he’s supposed to be pretty good.

Infield: Josh Harrison was one of the best stories in baseball last year. It will be almost impossible for him to repeat what he did. But hit .275 or higher and provide energy to that line-up, especially if at the top, and I’ll be happy. Jordy Mercer isn’t flashy, but he gets the job done. Neil Walker,  when healthy, is a top 5 2B in the game. Pedro Alvarez is possibly the biggest key to the season. Produce like he did two years ago and watch out. If not, watch out for him to make his way out of town.

Catcher: Ridiculous contract aside, the Pirates will absolutely miss Russell Martin. Francisco Cervelli is a nice addition.  He had a good spring and maybe he finally establishes himself as a starting catcher in this league. His strength is his game-calling ability. That will help to make up for some of Martin’s absence. The back-up spot for now is Tony Sanchez’s. Had a hot spring at the dish,  but I still don’t trust him behind the plate. When Chris Stewart is healthy,  if Sanchez is hitting like he was at the start of last year, Bucs should keep him up. That bench has some question marks, so why dump a guy who is hitting? Especially if in their minds, they don’t think he is the future catcher on this team. Stewart’s skills behind the plate provide him with a job, although he did hit .294 last year.

Starting Pitching: Bringing back Francisco Liriano was essential. Gerrit Cole is an ace in waiting.  And A.J. Burnett can recapture some of his magic for one year and bring attitude to the field and clubhouse. Just hope it’s more positive,  than negative. So, top 3, I feel really comfortable with. I planned on writing about Charlie Morton’s health being a huge factor. And sure enough,  where is he starting the season?  On the DL. Apparently it is more of a delivery problem and not pain related. Bottom line is your No. 4 guy, who you gave a fairly nice extension to before last year, is gonna be  absent from your rotation to start the season. It provides a chance for Jeff Locke to prove himself. Inconsistency and control are his biggest issues. Also, struggles deeper into games. Maybe once Morton is back, they could piggyback Locke and Vance Worley. While neither had a great spring, he would have been my choice for the five spot. And whether it’s one of those three, or Nick Kingham, Casey Sadler, Clayton Richard,  or outside help, the 4 and 5 guys have to contribute to that rotation in order to contend.

Bullpen: I still have trust issues with Mark Melancon, but he got the job done last year on most occasions once he was made the closer. Tony Watson is beyond trustworthy. Antonio Bastardo was a great acquisition. Jared Hughes went from being left off the NLCS roster two years ago,  to being an important part of that bullpen last year. After that, there are some interesting stories, but what impact can they have. Arquimedes Caminero was lights-out this spring. And Radhames Liz has a dynamite arm too. Unfortunately, they have 47 games of Major League experience between them. And Morton’s absence opened up a spot for Rob Scahill. I can hear you asking yourself ‘who the fuck is that guy?’ He was cast aside by the Rockies after pitching parts of the last 3 seasons for them. That’s all you need to know about him. But the bullpen can be a very fluid situation.  And John Holdzkom leads a list of guys who will be at Indy waiting for their chance.

Bench: Another area of concern for me and something that could have a lot of moving pieces. Andrew Lambo provides a threat to go deep or strike out off the bench. Sean Rodriguez is too reminiscent of Clint Barmes for my liking. He’s versatile, has some pop, doesn’t hit for average. Hey,  at least the Pirates didn’t sign him to a ridiculous contract. Speaking of ridiculous contracts, Jung Ho Kang. Time will tell if he was worth it, but in order for it to be,  he has to at least be a contributor off the bench. Corey Hart is intriguing. Was an All-Star in Milwaukee. Injuries have done him in the last 2 years. If healthy,  he could be a steal of a signing.

People actually have expectations for this team and it will be interesting to see if they can handle that.  Fortunately,  they have Clint Hurdle leading them. He fits this team almost perfectly. I think they end up with the first wild card for the 3rd straight year,  but absolutely can win the division with big seasons from Pedro, Polanco, and the pitching.

Predictions:

Running out of steam to make this very in-depth

NL East

1. Nats- Cocky, but talented bunch

2. Marlins- Exciting young team will meet Bucs in Wild Card game

3. Mets- Definition of mediocre

4. Braves- After collapse last year, completely gutted their roster.

5. Phillies- Will be another tough year for fans on the other side of the state

NL Central

1. Cards- Hard to bet against them

2. Pirates

3. Brewers- Could brew a recipe to get into a wild card spot

4. Cubs- Heading in right direction,  but young talent will need a few years to develop

5. Reds- Will finish above .500 despite last-place finish.

NL  West

1. Dodgers- Magic’s men will light up La La Land

2. Padres- Got Kimbrel tonight. They are certainly going for it. It won’t quite payoff, but they will be much improved.

3. Giants- It’s an odd year, so they will suck.

4. Rockies- Injuries did them in last year. Have the talent to be somewhat competitive.

5. D-backs- I will root against any team associated with that arrogant cocksucker LaRussa. It will be easy with as shitty as this team will be.

NL Wild Card

Pit def Mia

NLCS

Pit def Was in 5

LA def STL in 5

NLCS

LA def Pit in 6

AL East

1. Red Sox- The dicks in Beantown won’t have to cry in their chowder this year…until playoffs

2. Blue Jays- Seemingly start hot every year. They keep it up this year and take the 2nd wild card.

3. Orioles- The O’s face will be one of disappointment

4. Yanks- Tough times continue for the Evil Empire

5. Rays- Wanna root for them, but they are intentionally trying to lose I think.

AL Central

1. Tigers- Hear them roar. As long as Verlander is healthy and recovers from breaking up with Kate Upton.

2. Indians- Scrappy bunch could make Harry Doyle happy and reach playoffs.

3. Royals- Magic of last season disappears.

4. White Sox- Spent money just like their Northside counterparts. Will miss playoffs just like them as well.

5. Twins- Not good omen when the biggest free agent signing in team history gets suspended for 80 games before season even starts

AL West

1. M’s- Rooting for Lloyd and the boys

2. Angels- If they can keep Josh Hamilton under control,  should make playoffs again

3. Astros- Sleeper team in the AL

4. A’s- Hard to exactly figure out Beane’s plan for this year.

5. Rangers- Best of luck to Jeff Bannister. Without Darvish will be long season. He better find Ron Washington’s coke dealer

AL Wild Card

LAA over Tor

ALDS

LAA def Bos in 4

Det def Sea in 5

ALCS

Det def LAA in 7

Word Series

Tigers over Dodgers in 6

 

 

 

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The Grandest Stage of Them All

Well, this Sunday marks the 31st edition of WrestleMania. It is the end of the year for the WWE,  as everything that happens after this is somehow building to next year’s event. So many memorable moments have been created since 1985, but what will this year have in store? Here are some predictions, that will probably turn out to be wrong. Because, even though this will be the 10th straight WM I will be watching, and as predictable as the WWE may be, there are always some decisions that surprise me.

The WrestleMania Kickoff will feature a Fatal 4-way match for the WWE Tag Titles between Antonio Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (c), The Usos, Los Matadores, and The New Day. With Rikishi in town, I’ve said before, that I think it is set up for The Usos to win and have a nice moment with their dad in the ring. However,  it has not been made clear how serious Jey’s shoulder injury is. And there always seems to be a title change the next night on ‘Raw’, and I think it will come in the form of Cesaro and Kidd evoking their rematch clause and winning. Look for the minor feud with Los Matadores to continue for a bit and then maybe The Prime Time Players to get involved.

Divas Match: AJ Lee and Paige vs. The Bellas. The Bellas win after Paige turns on AJ and costs them the match. They will battle for the number one contender spot on ‘Raw’, with Paige winning and then defeating Nikki Bella at Extreme Rules. This will set-up Paige and The Nature Boy’s daughter, Charlotte, for the summer.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Instead of using this match to launch Mizdow’s solo career, it will be wasted upon one of two outcomes. Giving it to an old-timer like Kane or Big Show (setting up a match between the two for Extreme Rules) or Mark Henry, or, and I cringe writing this, having Ryback win. I believe that is what will happen. Feed me more? No thanks.  I’m not fucking hungry.

U.S. Title: Rusev (c) vs. John Cena. Too much has been made of the US vs. Russia angle, really since Rusev’s debut, to not have Mr. Patriotic, John Cena win. But what good is Cena holding the U.S title?  Cue some stupid Extreme Rules-style Flag Match, where Rusev regains the title, leading to a feud with, and I cringe as I write this, Ryback. (Although, it should be Dean Ambrose)

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins: Should be a solid contest, and clean win for Rollins, but I feel they will book it with a questionable finish, just to keep Orton involved with The Authority.

Sting vs. Triple H: This is Sting’s first, and probably last match in a WWE ring, so I see Triple H putting aside his ego and letting Sting get the victory.

Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt: WWE really seems to like pushing Wyatt as the new scary monster in the company. Now that the mystique of The Taker’s streak is gone, he can lose two years in a row right? As much as it pains me to say it,  I think it happens. He lost the streak to a friend last year and now he can give a huge boost to a young guy by laying down this year. Taker’s ego isn’t like others who wouldn’t do it. Plus I’m sure I.R.S will make it worth his while by getting his old buddy ‘The Million Dollar Man’ to fork over some cash to the Dead Man.

Ladder Match for the IC Title: Ladder matches have often stolen the show over the last decade at Mania and I expect nothing less than that here. A great field and, aside from, R-Truth or Ziggler walking away with the title, I’d be ok with any outcome. The fanboy in me wants Bryan,  so that’s who I’m going with. He can have a match with BNB at Extreme Rules and then have a program with Sheamus,  once he returns and makes a heel turn.

WWE World Heavyweight Title Match: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns. Lesnar announcing his intentions to stay with WWE is very intriguing and leads me to this storyline, that is mostly wishful thinking. The WWE has put a lot into promoting Reigns, for instance an appearance tonight on ‘Conan’. I don’t see them not having him win Sunday.  I also don’t see Lesnar coming back if he isn’t champ. So, I’m laying this out there. Reigns is out working the mic and celebrating his victory, when an enraged  Lesnar appears and beats the shit out of him. This opens thing up for Rollins to cash in The Money in the Bank contract. He does and after the match officially starts,  Orton shows up and interferes, costing Rollins his opportunity. Fatal 4-way match at Extreme Rules featuring Reigns,  Lesnar,  Rollins, and Orton.  Lesnar gets the title back. This eventually leads to Bryan calling him out. And at SummerSlam, the fans get what should have been the main event at WM. Lesnar vs. Bryan for the title.  Bryan, still IC champ mind you, wins the title.

 

 

 

The Comeback

So, after a week off, I’m back and worse than ever. ‘Raw’ was in Des Moines tonight. There was a dark match scheduled between….look, I know I’ve been doing this gimmick, but it’s Iowa. What the fuck do you expect from me? Aside from a ‘Field of Dreams’ reference,  what could I really do? So, onto the action. However,  I did get a report from someone backstage that they heard a voice similar to Mark Henry’s saying, “If you cook it, I will come.”

Rollins and The Authority start off the night arguing over who was hurt more by Orton’s betrayal. Rollins says he accepts Orton’s challenge for WM, but only if meets him tonight. Orton says he’ll do it even though it would likely be 5 against 1.

In a backstage segment, Kane and Big Show bicker like two old men at Eat ‘n Park discussing politics, about who was more responsible for Rollins being attacked the week before. After Rollins joins the interaction,  both Kane and Big Show indicate they won’t be at ringside for Rollins’ match against Orton.

The Miz loses to Ryback in unimpressive fashion, after telling Mizdow he will be fired if he doesn’t help him get a win. There was a moment in the match where Ryback holds Miz and tells Mizdow to take a swing. He contemplates doing it,  but doesn’t and after Miz gets out of the hold he is none too happy. When the match is over, Mizdow helps him up, and gets a Skull Crushing Finale for his effort. It appears this would mark the end for these two, but I don’t see a singles match coming until after Mizdow eliminates Miz from the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal.

Cena and Rusev have their contract signing. Rusev shows up with some bogus lawyer saying he won’t sign it unless Cena controls his ‘ American barbarianism’ while he reads a statement. Call me unpatriotic,  but I hope Rusev beats the fucking red, white, and blue out of Cena at WM. I know it is easy to shit on anything Cena does, but this really is the match I am looking forward to the least.

Cesaro and Kidd beat New Day. Los Matadores get involved after the match, attacking New Day and then having El Torito toss Cesaro from the ring. Now that’s some BULL-shit. You are really gonna have half of your tag team champions get embarrassed by a fucking midget in a bull costume? Way to make them look strong going into Mania. And we found out that the Usos are likely out of the picture because of an injury to Jey’s shoulder. Not sure what will be booked at WM, but it likely is gonna be a waste of legit talent like Cesaro and Kofi Kingston of New Day.

Big Show pummels Erik Rowan before their match even gets started. I’m not the biggest Rowan fan, but that’s twice they’ve done that. Why? To give Big Show a push? Motherfucker’s been around since before I had pubes. Doesn’t make sense.

In another backstage piece, Jamie Noble gets upset with Rollins and quits, while Joey Mercury walks off silently behind his partner in J and J Security.

As ‘Raw’ returns from commercial, Kane is addressing a ring full of superstars participating in the ATG Battle Royal.  Mark Henry makes his way out from the back and announces he’s entering. A brawl breaks out with guys being tossed just like in a battle royal. Kane and Henry are last two in, or so we think, until Curtis Axel comes in and dumps Kane,  but gets thrown out by Henry. So, instead of putting the focus on Axel and the #Axelmania gimmick,  or somebody else unexpected,  they put it on Henry, and to a lesser extent, Kane. Why? See my above statement on Big Show.  It applies to these two geriatrics as well.

Paul Heyman cut another great promo, insisting Reigns can’t beat Lesnar and that Lesnar isn’t be able to be stopped from doing what he wants and giving a prison beating to Reigns. Reigns comes down, but anytime you take the mic from Heyman,  I really don’t care what you have to say. Lesnar and Reigns face-to-face next week. Should be interesting,  especially after Lesnar said, in a pre-taped interview, that he was going to fuck up Reigns at WM.

Six-man tag featuring the contestants in the IC title match, with R-Truth, in possession of the title, doing commentary. A lot of great action and partners not on the same page, creating some animosity.  Ambrose hit a Dirty Deeds on BNB for the win, and the usual, and at this point, fucking unnecessary, game of who will end up with title starts. It ends with BNB executing a string of Bull Hammers and getting back what his rightfully his. Please keep it that way until Mania. That silliness is really distracting from what should be the best match on the card. Although it would be a far cry from giving the fans the Daniel Bryan title run they actually want, I believe he emerges from WM with the title.

Bray Wyatt has another message for The Undertaker. I was hoping to see the ‘Dead Man’, but I guess he’s down to working one day a year instead of one month a year. But, hey, who the fuck is gonna tell him he can’t do that?

Rollins has a heated exchange with Triple H and Stephanie. It now appears nobody will be in Rollins’ corner.

Rollins is now set to face Orton when he announces that, while Orton took 3 weeks to pull off his deception, Rollins did his in 3 hours. The Authority’s music hits and everyone comes out to back Rollins. Orton grabs a chair and waits for them to come to the ring.  When they enter, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Sting is next to Orton with a baseball bat in hand and they go to town. Sting hits a Stinger Splash on the hapless J and J Security and a Scorpion Death Drop on Noble, while Mercury gets an RKO. Good to see them put some heat on these two matches. As I said before, Sting and Triple H is about 10 years too late to be a great match, but I am still looking forward to it. And I’ll watch anything with Rollins. Orton can put on a hell of a match with the right opponent, and he definitely fits that bill.

Summer of Immaturity

I can remember back to my adolescence and a party at Penn Valley Athletic Club. It was designed to give the kids a chance to bust loose with loads of pop and the best hip-hop from the mid-90’s and work up the courage to talk to members of the opposite sex.

Some of my buddies, my younger brother and I thought we would be the coolest motherfuckers there, as if we weren’t already, if we got the DJ to play the Bryan Adams hit, ‘Summer of ’69’. Not that we had any particular affinity for the song, but it had ‘sixty-nine’ in it. Get it! Oh, goddammit, were we hilarious.

After being rebuked the first few times, the DJ eventually realized we were WAAAY to committed to this act of comedy gold, and broke down and played it. He even gave us an intro crediting us for the selection.  This was our big moment. And I’m pretty sure not one fucking person paid attention. But, hey, we loved it and still thought we were the shit.

So, I just wanna thank you, Bryan Adams, for so blatantly putting sexual innuendo into your song.  You weren’t the first, you weren’t the last, but you were my everything. For the man who once asked ‘Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?’, I say no, because I am too bitter. But I can say, like so many youthful pranksters over the last 30 years, that I have been inspired by a Canadian. Inspired to try to trick an adult into playing a song with an indirect reference to simultaneous oral sex, just to hopefully get a laugh.

Jungleland

‘Raw’ is in, ‘America’s favorite garbage heap’, New Jersey tonight. An appearance by ‘Daily Show’ host Jon Stewart and a night of great action is on the docket. But first, a dark match between New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and the entire menu at an Arby’s.  I’ve got money on Christie. And no, this wasn’t any type of political attack, just a joke at the expense of an easy (and fucking huge) target. I’m an obese American, so I’m allowed to make them.

Seth Rollins tells Stewart he shouldn’t bother showing up and is interrupted by Roman Reigns. They talk about who would have a better chance to beat Lesnar and then Reigns dares Rollins to put the Money in the Bank on the line at WM and make it a triple threat match. When Rollins balks, Reigns slugs him and after being attacked by J and J Security,  fends them off. WWE may be working this angle in case Lesnar no-shows WM. Reigns/Rollins would be a better match in my opinion.

After the break, Rollins expresses disappointment in his security team and Orton tries to convince him to ask for a match with Reigns later in the night

The saga of the kidnapped IC title continues. Ambrose comes to the ring with it for a match against BNB. During the course of the match, it is taken by R-Truth,  who then hands it over to the threatening Luke Harper, when he makes a ringside appearance. Ambrose wins the match and then looks around, confused by the title’s absence.  It’s getting a little tired, but it is setting up what should be a great ladder match for the title at WM. Nobody officially confirmed, but looks like BNB will be defending against Ambrose,  Harper,  R-Truth,  Ziggler,  and, last but not least, Daniel Bryan. Kind of a list of guys they couldn’t get any other storylines for, but may be the best match of the night. Ambrose is fucking nuts, Bryan is fearless, while I’m not a big Ziggler fan,  he goes balls-to-the-wall, Harper is underrated, R-Truth is solid,  and BNB will bring it. Someone see what Y2J is up to, and really kick that match up a notch.

The Miz is debuting the commercial he stole from Mizdow. Quite predictably, it is a boner pill called ‘Niagara’. It is the most embarrassing commercial debut since Murtaugh’s daughter’s condom commercial in ‘Lethal Weapon 2’. An angered Miz slaps Mizdow.  Solid mid-card feud developing here. Probably will be used for pre-show at WM.

Bray Wyatt appears and calls out The Taker again. There is a casket in the ring that he sets fire to. Could it be a flaming casket match at Mania?  Only if Pat Patterson is in there.

Mixed-tag match between The Usos/ Naomi and Cesaro Kidd and Natalya. They lose after Kidd tags in an injured Natalya and she is pinned by Naomi.Leads to some marital dischord after the match. Never shit where you eat Kidd.

Cena comes down and announces his intentions of entering The Andre the Giant…. since Rusev won’t give him a rematch. Stephanie McMahon comes down and says he doesn’t have the power to put himself in the match and maybe he needs to sit out this year’s WM. Thank you Steph! Now just get Ryback out of there. Cena defeats Curtis Axel and then Rusev and Lana come down to inform Cena they still aren’t giving him a match. Too bad nobody is dumb enough to not realize that will change.

‘The Game’ talks about his impending meeting with Sting and how he has control. He illustrates this by firing Booker T, although he reverses his announcement moments later. He should have fired Michael Cole…and not reversed it. #BRING BACK JR

Was gonna skip over the Divas but my girl AJ Lee returned to save Paige from the Bellas. Likely setting up tag match at WM.

Rollins hosts ‘The Daily Show with Seth Rollins’ in the best wrestling/talk show crossover since ‘Superfly’ Jimmy Snuka took over for Tom Snyder. Stewart shows up and makes a few jokes and points out how The Authority doesn’t really care about him. Rollins gets physical and Orton,  not Stephen Colbert, like i was hoping,  comes out and distracts Rollins so Stewart can make a low-blow and escspe. Not a new tactic to use a celebrity to advance a storyline heading into Mania,  just glad it wasn’t Donald fucking Trump again.

Bryan defeats Harper in a singles match.  JBL still playing up the fact Bryan isn’t heading to Mania. But he will be in the IC title ladder match. It is the worst kept secret since Ricky Martin’s homosexuality. More brawling for the title occurred after the match with Ziggler walking away with it this time.

Paul Heyman was out selling the main event,  promising Lesnar will be there. Nothing too special,  aside from a few good one-liners. It would be nice to have Lesnar by his side, but even if he wasn’t in the reported dispute with Vince, the man only shows up 4 weeks a year.

Teaser for ‘Raw’ in da ‘burgh next. Wiz Khalifa to be guest star. Why the fuck couldn’t they get Donnie Iris?

Rollins versus Reigns in the main event.  Orton helps Rollins get the win after saying backstsge he would be in his corner if needed him. Reigns then takes out Rollins, Big Show, Kane, and J and J Security. Gotta have these two have some major heat going, if things with Lesnar fall apart.  I don’t think they will, but there are some substantial egos at play

Armstrong-hold

Third time’s the charm…well not with this blog. So, if you are looking for something brilliant, start streaming the recently ended ‘Parks and Recreation’ on whatever service offers it. If you want something totally pedestrian you are in the right place. Speaking of streaming services, I am in the vast minority of people that doesn’t use one. I rely on a good ol’ cable television provider. Shows how much of a fucking idiot I am.

Really? This dude’s gonna complain about cable TV? Lazy fucker. Why doesn’t he ask what’s the deal with airline food or complain that if our planet is experiencing global warming why did I spend the better part of the last month defrosting my dick and balls. I know bitching about cable is nothing new. I’ve been involved in conversations about its overall shittiness with some of the people who will read this post. But, hey I’m like McDonald’s. Quick, cheap, convenient, and bad for you. I don’t offer anything fresh like some hipster joint thst serves only beef from grass-fed cows who were manually masturbated while listening to Mozart. And then show you a video of their meat guy, Glen, doing said procedure before you eat the burger.

I recently received a letter from Armstrong Cable explaining that soon the rates for cable and internet service would be going up, as well as premium services like HBO. In the letter, you are given some weak explanation about the rising cost of carrying certain channels and local sports and blah blah blah. I know on some level this is true, but I also know this is their way of saying we are pushing another inch in.

And what are your options? You basically have none, other than going to a satellite service. This scares me because I think every time a leaf falls on the dish or the wind blows, you lose signal. I don’t want that to happen during a crucial moment in a game I’m watching or just before the money shot in the porn I ordered off of Penthouse TV. There is no direct competition from another cable company in the area. Maybe Armstrong would be better, maybe worse. We’ll never know because cable companies monopolize the area they staked their claim to. It’s really absurd when you think about it.

Imagine it were that way with, say, electricians in your area. You only had once choice…and it was me. (Just picture this as a commercial for my company.) “Your wife is hosting a dinner party for the boss at her important new job tonight. But, oh no!! The power has gone out. As man of the house, you need to fix it but you have to get 18 in with the guys before this boring dinner. What do you do to save the day and make your wife happy again? Call McVicker Electric Company right now at 724-IND-POWR. Hold on though. It’s Saturday afternoon and my office hours are only noon-3 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Don’t worry! I have an emergency line. And it will only cost you 3 times my normal $300 consultation fee (my shoddy and unprofessional work definitely NOT included). And if you don’t like it, call the other electricians in town. Oh, wait there aren’t any. Good. So fuck you and don’t forget to call me, Cory McVicker, and mention this ad for 20% off. Haha. I’m just kidding, so blow me. McVicker Electric Company…Making Sure You Only Get the Good Type of Shocker Since 2002.

Finally somebody has exposed the evil of cable companies and it was a long time coming. I’m like the Rosa Parks of sitting in a recliner and watching too much tv. And hey, Armstrong, if you’re gonna jack prices up at least offer us channels we may be interested in. I mean, seriously, who the fuck watches Maverick Television?

Rematch….

…Because the second time around is always better than the first, right? Well I’m out to prove that is certainly not the case here. So, for those looking for it, or those who typed ‘Raw’ into a search engine trying to find sushi reviews or bareback-only porn and ended up here, enjoy!

Twas the night after the inaugural PPV Fastlane and ‘Raw’ is coming at ya from Nashville, TN. The dark match for the night was a steel cage battle between Kix Brooks and Ronnie Dunn. A better name for Brooks would have ‘Punches and Kix’ Brooks because he dominated that motherfucker.

Randy Orton, who made his return at the PPV last night, comes down and addresses the fact Seth Rollins is responsible for his 4-month absence from the ring (in actuality he was filming ‘The Marine 24′ opposite Alan Rickman’ s stunt double from ‘Die Hard’) and calls him down to the ring. Instead he is met by Triple H and the rest of The Authority minus Rollins. Stephanie McMahon convinces Orton to attend a business conference in attempts to get him to rejoin The Authority.

BNB is in a bad mood because Dean Ambrose stole his IC title after their match at Fastlane. His mood didn’t improve after suffering a loss to Dolph Ziggler in a non-title match and then having Ambrose appear with his title to mock him. Ambrose and Ziggler have some words and Ambrose bumps him on the way out of the ring. R-Truth was at ringside providing inarticulate commentary and campaigning to be the No. 1 contender because of his non-title victory over BNB on SmackDown.  I smell a Fatal Four Way match coming at Mania.

Backstage, Orton begrudgingly decides to rejoin The Authority after Steph makes the case for it. She announces he and Rollins will be in a tag match against Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns later on. You can tell there is still animosity between Orton and Rollins and that it will come to a head by night’s end.

The Ascension were handed their first defeat by the reunited Prime Time Players.  It was karma for talking shit on the latest WWE Hall of Fame inductees,  The Bushwhackers, in a video shown before the match. The Ascension beat down PTP after the match though.  I find it funny that one half of PTP, Darren Young, is the only openly gay wrestler on the roster, yet The Ascension are dressed like extras in a gay porn version of ‘Mad Max’.

Reigns is in the ring talking about how he proved himself last night. Bryan comes down and says that he doubted him more than the fans did, but not after their match at Fastlane. Reigns showed him that he has the heart necessary to be successful and told him to go kick the crap out of Lesnar at WrestleMania.  As Bryan is heading back, Lesnar’s advocate Paul Heyman makes his way down.  Says he would put his money on Reigns against a whole slew of legends in their heyday. Whether it be Bruno,  Hulk, Austin, etc., but he wouldn’t put his money on Reigns against Lesnar. Reigns says he can’t wait to beat Lesnar at WM.

The Usos evoked their rematch clause for the tag belts against Tyson Kidd and Cesaro. After Naomi got involved, so did Natalya, ultimately leading to a DQ victory for the Usos. I’m sure some kind of 6-person mixed tag match is in the future. I ‘d say add Rikishi and The Anvil and I’m in.

In a backstage segment,  The Miz criticizes Mizdow for not properly lint rolling his jacket. I believe Buzz wrote that segment. The Miz then says he plans on winning the 2nd Annual Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at WM in order to become an even bigger star.

Bray Wyatt cuts promo calling out The Undertaker for his loss at WM last year. He was speaking into a casket. Could mean their match will be a casket match. I think the last time Taker had a casket match at Mania was against Mark Henry. He won when Henry tried to eat the casket because he believed it was made out of chocolate.

Stardust took on Jack Swagger. Stardust gets frustrated with chants of ‘Cody’ from the crowd and is then distracted when Goldust emerges from the back. This allowed Swagger to put a Patriot Lock on him and score a submission victory.

Cena comes down to adress his loss to Ruse…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Lana and Rusev come down. Cena spouts a bunch of pro-USA…ZZZZZZZZZZZ. Challenges Rusev to another match for U.S. title at WM. Rusev says he doesn’t deserve it. 8-year olds everywhere are crushed.

Orton and Rollins give the impression they are on the same page. Orton wants to show how Bryan and Reigns how lucky they were he wasn’t in the Rumble.  The Bellas beat Paige and Emma in a match that was quicker than the amount of time it would take me to get off if I had a threesome with the Bellas.

Bushwhackers tribute video is shown. I saw those guys wrestle one time at Butler High School. Now, it’s hard to belive they are going into the HOF. Hopefully whatever high school they are janitors at now give them the weekend off to go to the ceremony.

Curtis Axel is once again out there claiming he was never eliminated from the Rumble. #Axelmania. Says he is entering the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal.  They could dig up his old man’s corpse and he would have more charisma than his son. Former tag partner Ryback comes down and announces his intentions to win the battle royal. And then beats the shit out of him in a fairly quick match.  #Feedmeless

Bryan and Reigns defeat Orton and Rollins.  Orton gets angry when Rollins tags himself into the match. Big Show and Kane try to calm him down. Orton then goes to confront him in the ring. J &J Security come in. Jamie Noble suffers an RKO. Orton helps Rollins to his feet, then leaves the ring. So, guess the explosion will have to come at another time. I mean I think it’s pretty obvious it will be those two in a match at Mania